…is a bitch. There is so much to those two little words! Both men and women deal with it. Both men and women can struggle with it. The struggle can even go in stages. It can be positive or negative.
In these last few months, my body has been transforming – generally for the better!
But as you have it, us ladies (and men, too, sometimes) always find something to pick on, eh? We are our own worst critics. I was insecure and uncomfortable with what my body looked like during the last few years. Felt far too fluffy. But, even though I was fluffy during my Paleo years, I know I had developed some muscle mass over time. And I knew that there was simply a fluffy layer over them. As funny and odd as that sounds, I could actually feel the muscles if I felt myself up, they just weren’t very visible to the naked eye thanks to the fluff, haha!
But now, as I’m slowly leaning out, I am seeing those muscles become more defined, prominent and noticeable. And it’s freaking me out a little…
I know…I KNOW. Strong is the new skinny. Strong is beautiful. I know all that. But, this is new to me, and I’m not quite comfortable with it yet. And yes, I know society and mainstream media are to blame for that. When I’m naked, which is often when I’m home alone, and look at myself in the mirror, I see my traps are far more defined. Quads pop out more when my legs are engaged. My arms and shoulders have more definition. In the back of my mind, I still have that STUPID thought that this makes me less feminine. Less of a woman. Thanks for that, society.
I’m working on getting over all that. I enjoy the process of getting stronger. I love olympic weightlifting. I love CrossFit. I love challenging myself. Meeting and beating my own goals. I love that there is always a new goal to progress to. I love that I finally found a nutrition regimen that not only fits in my lifestyle but is actually working for me. So, if all of these things result in a leaner body with more visible muscles, then I know i will learn to appreciate and love it.
This just further puts the nail on the coffin that I will probably need to only date dudes that lift because lezbehonest…a dude that doesn’t lift wouldn’t appreciate the physique that is developing underneath this sweater and all the hard work it takes. So, if getting used to looking more like this…
…is what I need to do, I’m okay with that. In the photo above you can’t see all the changes…my hair is covering part of my traps and you can’t see the quad muscles that are becoming more and more defined and prominent and you can’t see what my triceps look like here. I very much want to be ecstatic when someone says, “Wow! Your arms!” or “You look so strong!” or “Beast!” I still get uncomfortable and in my mind it still translates to, “You look bulky.” Specially when it comes out of the mouth of someone who doesn’t lift. And I hate that that is where my mind goes. But slowly, I am learning to appreciate the body I am building.